"I really don't, Sir Tan." Christine said, though the fact she was sitting in front of a table full of weapons somewhat contradicted her words. Dressed in simple brown leathers, her hair tied and bound behind her head, even a lack of makeup and sweat staining said hair couldn't wholly defeat the brightness of the woman's face. Many women were blessed with fine hair, clear eyes, full lips, unblemished skin, and that delicate, symmetrical bone structure that caused people to use words like 'beautiful' and 'gorgeous', but few could be said to possess a light within their eyes and features. Christine Brynn was the kind of woman who lit up the room when she smiled, and encouraged others to help her if she wasn't. At the moment, her expression was earnest and solemn, speaking of truths she held close to herself. Not that Artberth Tanhim, or as he prefered, 'Art Tan' or just Art, thought she would lie to him. It was more of how deeply she believed she could not lie to herself, so to speak.
"What would you prefer to do then, Miss Brynn?"
"....Just...work things out? Stop fighting, work together? I know that's not what the world is like, but you asked."
"And those who don't want to work together?"
Christine said nothing, her gaze falling to the table.
"Miss Brynn, do not get me wrong. I wish all I did was teach people to survive. But in truth, I teach people to kill. Maybe they'll never do it, but I honestly think they are better off knowing how. If all you wanted to do was stay behind the war zones and help the wounded, you wouldn't be here. It doesn't mean you secretly desire anything that you couldn't stand about yourself."
"I guess I'm not going to change anything thousands of years decided was good, am I?"
"A bad attitude. Being a pacifist is a fine thing. It's not for me, but then again, neither are the healing arts. But there are two kinds of pacifists, Miss Brynn. One will refuse to fight until there is no other choice. The other will refuse to fight at all. The latter doesn't make you stronger than everyone who can resort to violence, Miss Brynn. It makes you a victim. It makes the people whose lives you want to save victims. I know it hurts the warmth and kindness you prefer to look upon and share with the world...but sometimes, the world is cold. You need to be cold in turn. If it makes you unhappy, well...I think that's better than being happy about it."
"...How many people come out of this world of yours happy, Mr. Tan?"
"If I have my way...none of them."
----
"Bitch."
"Here's my first bit of advice, Miss Brynn, of the easy to learn but difficult to master kind. Give them a chance, and many people will defeat themselves for you. And since you don't really care for harming others, why not let them do just that?"
It was sometimes scary to Christine how right Art had been, and he hadn't been the only one who'd had that message in his lessons. Here she was, nearly helpless, having just singlehandedly taken down several of this army's squads all by herself. Did they shoot her immediately? Did they demand she surrender? No, of course not. They insulted her. Their brains registered her primarily as a female, and their egos leapt ahead of any sense they had. Why immediately disable a threat when you could try and reinforce gender roles, or what these lot saw as them?
Their loss. They thought they had her at their mercy? That they could do whatever they wanted, because in their mind they could? They hadn't noticed the fact she wore a rapier on her back?
They thought she needed a weapon?
Christine shifted dramatically, her hand going to her back...
----
It was terrible! The thunder roared! Trees fell to the ground! The wind was like a rhinoceros! Each flash of lightning lasted an hour! And in the castle where King Sabrewulf and Queen...Pointycanine lived, there was a wail and a roar! A scream so loud you could see it hurtle out the chimney! There was a crash so loud the roof flew off and ARGGGHHHH! HORRORS! DAVID WAS BORN!
His parents took one look at him and ran away like the wind! David grabbed an axe and chopped down the door! GRRRRR!
A guy named Bill, who was combing his hair in a boat, heard sizzling. It was David, and the grass was burning under his feet as ran along the bank, jumped into the boat, grabbed Bill, threw him into the sun, and then rowed away at over 3000 miles an hour! David was angry!
David rowed across the shores, where he found his parents. So he knotted his mother's hair and bent his father's pipe and put jam in their shoes and they were sorry they ever had him. Then he asked if he had any siblings and King Sabrewulf said no but he had an uncle so David knocked a kid off his bicycle and cycled away so fast that the road behind him turned to molten tar and all the cars got stuck in it.
David got to the sea and swore so loudly that all the fish came up to see and he peddled across right on their heads. He found his uncle making pancakes and he punched him in the nose and put his socks through a grinder. He was sorry he had a nephew like David!
Then David looked around and saw a lady with a hat. He was so angry! He hit the hat off her head and bit her arm and then kicked a soldier and took an axe and wrecked a bus. Then a mountain fell on David and he had to tunnel his way to Australia to escape.
Then David saw a kangaroo. "YEECHHHHH PANSY ANIMAL!" he said, and he went up to kick it, but the kangaroo had a baby named Pidge who thought David looked nice because he'd never looked out his pouch before. He said '"Goo!" and all of David's hair stood up making him look like a porcupine and then the kangaroo baby didn't think David looked so nice anymore so David kicked it anyway and then ran off so fast that the desert sand fused into bricks and they built a power station with them and now there are hardly any kangaroos left there.
David went to Ireland and the police said they would get him so they tied sacks of potatoes above the road and when they saw David coming they would cut the cord and the sacks would come down and he would be stunned and they would cover him with meat sauce and roll him into the sea. But David wasn't stupid and he saw the sacks so he took a frying pan and walked under the sacks and when the sacks fell he fried the potatoes and ate them before they could stun him. "It was a stupid plan anyway..." The police chief said...
----
Stephanie: (sings) With this treasure I will buy my freedom!
No more Daddy acting like a jerk!
I’ll buy the company and run all of wrestling!
I’l be the only place you can get work…(Chris Jericho drives by in his own mine cart and grabs the box out of her hands) HEY!
Chris: Sorry my dear, but the device is mine now!
You don’t deserve this great machine!
It will make me reign as Champ forever!
Oh it sounds like such a dream…(it gets snatched) HEY!
Hurricane: I don’t mean to disappoint you Chris,
But it’s my job to foil evil schemes!
Gotta save the world and be the hero
And maybe find the girl of my….(box is snatched) HEY!
Jerry Lawler: (who accidentally snatched the device) Oh my, oh dear, I do not want this!
Someone take away this doomsday thing!
I have to think about myself and save my own skin!
To heck with it, I’m gonna…
(The box gets snatched by the Hardyz. Then by Edge. Then by the Dudleyz. Then by Lance Storm. And so on and so on…)
Hurricane: I have it! (sings) Gotta be a hero gotta save the day!
(Indiana Jones drives past, which confuses Hurricane so much that Stephanie manages to grab it back)
Stephanie: Gotta buy the WWF and kick my ex’s butt!
(Undertaker drives by and grabs the box)
Undertaker: Got to kill the author very painfully…
(And now Stone Cold grabs it in one hand. The other is reading the author’s contract)
Stone Cold: Still some left. What what what what what?
(And it goes from hand to hand. Camera goes to Jerry Lawler, who is hiding in his minecart to assure he doesn’t get what he thinks is a doomsday device)
Lawler: Keep that device away from me! Self-preservation is the key!
(And back to Jericho, who has the box once again)
Chris: Well the point is moot as it’s in my possession! ALL HAIL THE LIVING LESSON!
(And we finally drive out of the Musical section, ending the singing)
Christian: Living lesson?
Chris: I couldn’t think of anything that rhymed with legend! It doesn’t matter! At last I have it!
----
I am sorry, but I can be silent no longer. The greatest villain of the ZFRP must be exposed. It is long time to lay bare the sins...of Sarah Triden.
Sarah Triden often neglects her sweet-eating duties so that she may commit murder.
Sarah Triden, and not Mrs O’Leary’s cow, started the Great Fire of Chicago.
Sarah Triden, while at the same time pretending to be Luke Skywalker’s friend, was known to aid Darth Vader’s plans in universal domination.
Sarah Triden told George Lucas to include a peppy little character named "Jar Jar Binks" in one of his films.
Sarah Triden dislikes puppies, Abraham Lincoln, and your mother.
Sarah Triden, on a related note, made Ariel step on a puppy
Sarah Triden often puts on blackface and pretends to be Ernie Hudson, star of Ghostbusters.
Sarah Triden’s eyes are twice the size of normal ones, and have been known to emit death rays at small children.
Sarah Triden is responsible for the surprising lack of support for the technically superior Beta VCR’s.
Sarah Triden is a member of the KKK, and when dressed as Ernie Hudson, the Black Panthers.
Sarah Triden views the Welsh as genetically inferior.
Sarah Triden frequently kills kittens and blames it on the poor.
Sarah Triden frequently kills the poor and blames it on kittens.
Sarah Triden uses bad alliteration.
Sarah Triden, and not Napoleon, lost the battle of Waterloo.
Sarah Triden detonated over Hiroshima and Nagasaki in summer 1945, killing tens of thousands.
Sarah Triden got off relatively easily at the Nuremberg trial.
Sarah Triden played every role in SNL sketches from 93-96.
Sarah Triden, while with Habitat for Humanity, secretly stole the nails out of each new home.
Sarah Triden invented cancer.
Sarah Triden invented the polio vaccine VACCINE.
Sarah Triden gave thousands of Japanese children epileptic seizures during afternoon cartoons.
Sarah Triden racked up 75 confirmed kills in Vietnam in the early 90’s.
Sarah Triden held the only extra set of keys to Sharon Tate’s home.
Sarah Triden "really liked" Biodome.
Sarah Triden was dropped around the clock in Cambodia during the early 70’s, devastating the countryside.
Sarah Triden regularly inserts typos into everyone’s psost.
Sarah Triden built the Berlin Wall.
Sarah Triden proposed Stalin’s 5-year "everyone starves to death" plan.
Sarah Triden convinced the Polish army to invest heavily in horses in the 1920’s.
Sarah Triden frequently convinced ER stars and Dana Carvey to "pursue movie careers."
Sarah Triden shot John Lennon.
Sarah Triden did NOT shoot Yoko Ono.
Sarah"Sell Sell Sell" Triden worked as a stock trader in 1929.
Sarah Triden leaves porn sites in your history file.
Sarah Triden is little in middle, yet lacks much back.
Sarah Triden is not "all that", nor a bag of chips.
Sarah Triden refused to "checkity-check" herself, and consequently wrecked herself.
Sarah Triden wrote and performed every song credited to Limp Bizkit.
Sarah Triden was banished to Nod after killing her brother.
Sarah Triden was the Pharaoh’s top adviser on Jewish affairs.
Sarah Triden IS Keyser Soze.
Sarah Triden regularly transforms into a subatomic particle traveling faster then the speed of light, thus rendering previous atomic theories obsolete.
Sarah Triden was Kate Moss and Calista Flockhart’s dietitian.
Sarah Triden is "The Man" (and not in the good way either!)
Sarah Triden has "999" tattooed upside-down on her butt.
Sarah Triden sacked Rome.
Sarah Triden is the reason we labor under the iron rule of those damn dirty apes.
Sarah Triden wrote the pitifully unsuccessful Mambos 1 through 4.
Sarah Triden sat on Peter Dinklage’s shoulders for the first thirteen years of his life.
Sarah Triden is not recommended by five out of six doctors.
Sarah Triden stole Christmas, and regularly torments all the Whos down in Whoville.
Sarah Triden overflowed her banks and devastated the Sanguay region.
Sarah Triden told JFK Jr that he was a "great pilot".
Sarah Triden convinced a young Chris Farley to ‘always have seconds."
Sarah Triden turned Smokey the Bear into the flaming leather daddy he is today.
Sarah Triden plans to surround Chatzy with a labyrinth of traps, each more complex and fiendish then the last.
Sarah Triden was the chief mapmaker to the Chinese Revolution, and her terrible handwriting made a "Long March." out of what should have been "The Brisk Walk."
You know that glove that didn’t fit OJ? Fits Sarah Triden just fine.
APRIL FOOLS.
(My thanks to Michael Palin and Terry Jones, and my old college newspaper, for providing most of this nonsense. It would not surprise me if David actually did do those things, too. Please leave a comment: I won't be around for a live reaction most likely)
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