Pizza Time

(Cowritten with JRM) 

You got all sorts of customers when you were an all night eatery. Even moreso if you were a vampire.

And considering the look of the…man? Creature? Being? Who had walked in, you’d think he’d take it in stride. But…no.

First off, the…creature, that seemed fitting, was huge. Seven feet tall at least, and seemingly nearly as wide at the shoulders.

Secondly, his skin was a dull off-key green. And his head was so flat you could easily balance a tray on it. And he had a mask of dark skin around his eyes. And said eyes were wholly red, lacking any pupil/iris/sclera. And he was dressed…in a red shirt, jeans, and boots. Like he’d just gotten off work at a construction yard.

He definitely looked strong enough for it. The fact that the creature had nearly torn his door off pulling it open was further proof. It was not a violent act though. Not from the way the creature had recoiled at the noise and look, for a second, like he was going to run away, before he carefully ducked his head and stepped into the pizzeria. Thudding clomps marked his steps, as he walked to the counter.

 

“Watch your head and your hand, Mr. Frankenstein! The door stays one shape so just remember to change yours!” The Pizza Vampire zipped out of the back of the pizzeria in a flash, his body almost snapping into place as he crossed his hands and stood at the counter. While delivery was often his main focus, he did make sure he had a few hours working the store itself, and it seems things lined up perfectly here!

 

“You’re going to want a big big pizza pie, I’m betting! We might have to fold it to get it through the door!” PV keeps a big smile on his lips as he looks at the arrival. Sure, he wasn’t the friendliest looking fella, but late night pizza joints got many people wandering in off the street with the munchies. As long as he doesn’t actually take the door off, things would hopefully go like most transactions around here!

“...................yes.” The word fell from the creature’s mouth like he was trying to disgorge a molten hairball, for how much trouble it seemed to cause him. He raised one giant hand, his eyes unfocusing and then refocusing. There didn’t seem to be a lot happening behind that red gaze.

“I……..would……like….a……………..”

Silence for nearly fifteen seconds.

“...pizza.”

“Excellent choice!” PV laughs, the silence difficult for him to keep but he didn’t want to potentially upset the man while he was thinking. The vampire fidgets as he almost headed into the back before realizing… “The pizza part I got, what do you want on top of all that ooey gooey cheese?”

After another sustained silence though, all he heard back in reply was… “...pizza.”

Pizza Vampire rubs his chin and squints his eyes as he spins the reply over in his head. “A pizza… pizza? Is this what that Little Caesar guy is always going on about?” Turning his attention to the ceiling for a bit, his mind tries to figure out what a Pizza Pizza might entail.

“Maybe if I wrap one pizza in another pizza, that would work! What do you say to that idea I had with my brain?” he gesticulates at the expert conversationalist enthusiastically.

“...Yes?”

Silence.

“...pizza?”

“Yes yes, good! You understand the idea of pizza! You want to eat the pizza with your mouth! That’s how the pizza works!” PV was beginning to sweat as he throws his arms around even more, trying to get to the heart of this man who… maybe didn’t have one? Still running on that Frankenstein assumption, PV decides to go for something simple.

“Ah! I’ve got an idea to share… with you!” he says, pulling out a small paper plate and producing a few slices around its edges. Each one had a different ingredient on top. Hamburger, pepperoni, pineapple, anchovie… Hey, maybe this guy swings that way!

“Eat the slice you like and that’s your way of saying ‘Hey pizza pie maker! This is the food of my dreams! Make them come true!”

Unfortunately, the mystery would remain, as the creature would stare for another twenty seconds, and then pick up the paper plate and eat them all. And the plate. In two giant bites. Chew chew, and swallow.

“..........pizza?” Well, at least there seemed to be SOMETHING of a hint in the question that indicated he was asking ‘Is there more?’

PV puts his hands to his heart, not out of shock, but admiration. “It all makes sense now, my friend! You are a true lover of ALL pizza! Why make a choice when you can eat anything and everything, as long as its on a nice slimy bed of stringy mozarelle?”

“I do not have paper plate flavor though,” PV says, rubbing the back of his neck as that set in a bit more on reflection. “I’ll be back-a in a blink of a wink of an eye!” Heading to the ovens, PV quickly got to work making a supreme pizza of considerable size. Not quite the Pizza Pizza or door-sized one he initially pitched, but still a fairly large serving that gave room for a potpourri of toppings to please this undiscerning customer!

PV did make sure to poke his head out now and then, to give a smile that pleaded for patience and totally didn’t show that he was making sure the man wasn’t eating anything in the small lobby. It thankfully did not seem necessary; the creature just stood there, staring ahead. PV got the impression that the being had to be…programmed, in a sense, and that doing anything outside of the ‘program’ resulted in…well, this.

If that programming included purchasing pizza, then there’s little room for worry in PV’s books! He was feeling a little sad as he looks over his creation though. This man probably wouldn’t appreciate all the hard work put into it, just scarfing it down for sustenance before he shambles off into the night. Still, the Pizza Vampire wasn’t going to half-ass an order just because he might be able to get away with it, so the piping hot pizza comes sliding out of the oven, the Pizza Vampire almost delivering it immediately before worrying this guy might burn himself scarfing it down.

He spends a little time adding some red flakes to the top and parmesan to justify the delay!

“The pizza pie is done and so is your time waiting for it!” he calls out as he returns to the counter, spinning it on his hand inside the box before popping it open to reveal it.

“I’ve got a bit of a hunch that you will be paying for this with cash from your pocket, hmmm?” he says, leaning his head across the counter, partly so his big noggin blocked that pizza until the payment was produced.

Thirty seconds passed.

“.............yes.”

The creature, at least, took money out faster than he processed thinking. The bills were crumpled and messy, but smoothing them out revealed they were still legal tender.

PV rapidly realized that 1) The creature seemed like it was going to count out the funds, and 2) If the creature thought so slowly, PV didn’t really want to see how swiftly it did math, even basic math.

With a customer this sluggish, the rest of the work night was catching up with the Pizza Vampire! A phone call comes in for a delivery as he watches the hulking figure unfurl a bill to look at the number on it, and while PV handles the call quickly, he knows he’s going to have to speed this up!

“Let me just…” PV zips around the side of the counter, tapping his finger against the top of the dollar bills as he mutters under his breath the numbers. “Yup yup! Every number here adds up the price of the pizza you’ll be having!” The chef clips his fingers around a segment of the wad and tries to slip it out of his customer’s grip, hoping not to tear the cash. He did set down the pizza at least, so maybe this guy can shift his focus from fiat currency to food!

Indeed, it seemed like the creature processed the idea of ‘money paid, will take product’. The box flopped closed as he picked it up.

He stood there for another twenty or so seconds.

“.....thank….you.”

Hopefully, the Pizza Vampire would not be offended by what happened next, as the creature promptly squashed/rolled the box up like he was trying to make it mimic a submarine sandwich, and then took a big bite, box and all. Some toppings fell loose onto the floor.

Was there the faintest hint of satisfaction in the creature’s eyes? Well, he took another bite, box and all, as he turned around. His footsteps clodding along once more, he managed, at least, to puzzle out that he could bend down and shoulder the door open with some care, before he exited and, as PV had predicted, shambled off into the night.

“Another… satisfied… customer?” PV says, tilting his head as he watches him go, quickly getting a dustpan for the spilled toppings. A big shiver runs up through his body, which he immediately reflects on because hey, he’s a vampire! The undead don’t shiver! Still, the way he just ate the pizza like a big Swiss roll…

Also, the whole big, shambly monster man thing, but it was the pizza thing that hit closer to home! Was he going to have to start making edible boxes? …was that a good idea?

Then the racket erupted.

It must have been incredibly loud, considering it happened some distance away from his door. Crashing, grunting yells, sounds of things slamming and cracking. It sounded like a hell of a fight had broken out shortly after the creature had left.

The Pizza Vampire was preparing his hearse for the delivery call from earlier when he straightens up like a board at the sound of the… sound. Scurrying around to catch a look at what had gone down, he tries to stay out of sight as he peers around the wall of his restaurant.

“Who would pick on that huge mammoth man?” he wonders out loud, jumping to the conclusion someone picked on the customer rather than perhaps the customer having found a fight himself… I mean, how bad can you be if you like EVERY pizza topping?

He got his answer as he came in at the fight’s conclusion.

The creature thudded down to the ground. The form on top of it was considerably smaller…and without all the other noise, he could hear the sucking sound. One hand on the creature’s neck, the shadowy dark form crouched on his chest.

PV knew that sort of sound. Maybe it wasn’t ‘traditional’, but the form was draining blood, or whatever the creature had, out at a rapid pace. The creature’s body gave one last spasm and shudder, and then went still.

The form crouched for several more seconds before pulling their hand free, faint drops of green flicking off the fingers as they stood.

 

“Mamma mia… a lady of the night, in the vampire way!” he says a bit too loudly, before covering his mouth.

 

“Take those words back! The last lady vampire was a big bad news maker!” Remembering the Kobber encounter of last year, PV wasn’t as excited to see a potential “family member” out here… especially one who ate his customer! He considers for a moment if he has any obligation to this situation, especially considering there’s another customer out there waiting on the delivery…

“Hey! You! With the hat and the boots and the other parts of your clothing!” he says, puffing out his tiny chest as he tries to strut over looking tough.

“You can’t just go and eat a guy after he had one of my pizzas! This is Pizza Vampire, not Vampire… Vampires Eat Pieces Of Guys!” he blusters out, his imagination and imperfect English colliding in this weird statement as he flails his arms overhead before crossing them, nodding with unearned confidence.

The form…did nothing. It stood there.

“...I said-!”

It was…strange. Like the figure had been doing its own processing, and hadn’t heard anything PV had said right until then, as it snapped around.

 

In alarm. The body language said alarm. 

And the shadows didn’t get time to clear the form…the woman? Her face, as she spun back around and leapt into the air. Holy moly, she could get AIR. This was Superman tall buildings in a single bound leaping, and within seconds she had bounced up to the rooftops and out of sight. Gone.

Like he’d scared her.

Yet, his customer…

Was gone. Entirely. There were just empty clothes on the ground now. The body had vanished entirely. Off to the side, the mostly eaten pizza box submarine lay sadly on the ground. Didn’t even get to finish his meal.

“Somebody found me intimidating?” he mutters to himself, before shaking his head and pointing up at the rooftops.

“Yeah, you better go and do the flip and flop all about in the air like that!” he says, trying to sound tough. He empathized somewhat with a fellow vampire trying to feed, but he didn’t get this far by just accosting random people for their blood! And that blood was weird and green anyway, and now he looked at the clothes, even more confused at the complete lack of body in them. Did she slurp… all of him up?

Saddened by the sight of the unfinished food, PV wasn’t sure if he should call this in or cover it up. He didn’t want to be blamed for it and all the evidence looked like it pointed towards him! Maybe the delivery would be a believable enough alibi if he speeds over and pretends he was driving the speed limit when questioned…

For now, he decides to sweep it into a bucket and put it inside his shop. He didn’t really mind when he thought he was the only vampire around, it had been years since he saw another like him and now they were coming out of the woodworks!

“Oh daddy, I hope you are not involved in all this foolishness!” he says as he enters his hearse and floors it, leaving behind what was hopefully an exceptional event rather than the norm the Kobbers might bring come May…